English Short Stories
Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their faces before going to the warpath".
The next evening the mother sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daughter's young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes. "Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going along the warpath".
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Laura is at the airport. She waits for her flight. Her flight is to Berlin, and it is 4 hours away. Laura walks around the airport and looks at the shops. She has a nice time.
After an hour she wants to visit the bathroom. She searches for it, but she doesn't find it.
"Where is the bathroom?" she asks herself.
She looks and looks but she can't find it. She starts asking people where it is.
Laura: "Excuse me sir, could you please tell me where is the bathroom?"
Man: "You mean the restroom, right?"
Laura: "No, I mean the bathroom."
Man: "Well, the restroom is over there." He says and walks away.
Laura doesn't understand. She asks a lady: "Excuse me madam, could you please tell me where is the bathroom?"
"The restroom is over there," the lady answers and walks away.
Laura is confused. "What's their problem? I need to use the bathroom and they send me to rest?! I don't need a restroom, I need the bathroom!"
After a while Laura gives up. She feels tired of all this walking and asking. She decides that maybe they are all right and she does need to rest.
She walks to the restroom. Now she is surprised. She realizes the restroom is actually the name for a public bathroom!
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?" To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
There was a nice little girl. She was 10 years old. Her name was April.
One day, April asked her parents why she was called April. Her mother answered that she was called April because she was born in April. The little girl was very happy to hear that. She liked her name.
April really liked the month April, too. This was because she had her birthday in that month. Her parents made her a party. All her friends came and celebrated with her, and she received a lot of presents.
One day, her mother became pregnant and soon April had a little brother. Her brother was born in February. Everyone came to visit the family. Everyone suggested names for the new baby.
April did not understand what the problem was. This looked very simple to her. She said that if the baby was born in February, the correct name was February!
Amanda turns on her computer and opens her e-mail. She has a new message. She smiles. It is from Tall_and_Handsome34, a man Amanda met on FindNewLove.com, an online dating website. She really hopes to find a new love, and Tall_and_Handsome34 could be the right man for her!
Amanda reads the e-mail. Tall_and_Handsome34 asks Amanda if she would like to meet in person on Friday. He tells her his real name is Mike.
Amanda considers meeting Mike. She only chats with Mike on the computer, but she really likes him. He is smart and funny. They are the same age, share many interests, and live in the same city. She does not know what he looks like, but she enjoys the mystery of a blind date.
Amanda replies to Mike, "Hi Mike. My real name is Amanda."
They agree to meet at Amanda's favorite restaurant at 7:30 p.m. on Friday. They plan to meet beside the fountain in front of the restaurant.
On Friday, Amanda prepares for her date. She puts on a dress and curls her hair. She feels nervous and excited!
When Amanda arrives at the restaurant, she sees a tall man by the fountain. She cannot see his face.
"That must be Mike," Amanda thinks.
She walks toward the man.
"Mike?" Amanda asks as the tall man turns around. She sees Mike's face. She is surprised!
"Amanda Jones!" Mike exclaims. He realizes he knows her. Amanda Jones and Mike Miller dated in high school. "I cannot believe it is you!"
Amanda and Mike laugh and hug. "Well," Amanda thinks to herself, "sometimes you can find an old love too!"